Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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