McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
