Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
