I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
