The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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