I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
