I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
the raccoons are back...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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