you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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