my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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