My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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