im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
