Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Mom said you looked used
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
