I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
