so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
