My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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