i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
