I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bed smells like the plague
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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