she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
