Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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