She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
