just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You need Xanax blowdarts
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
