I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
jump out the window naked night went bad
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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