i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
