Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
