I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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