sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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