Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
