the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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