so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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