its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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