Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
