I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
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I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
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We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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