I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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