Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This is the high leading the old right now
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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