I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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