I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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