I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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