I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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