Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And then he peed in my hair
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