i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
