It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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