i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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