New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
