So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
