so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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