Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I got inside last night via doggy door
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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