I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
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There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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