I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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