where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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