Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
