Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
