thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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