put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
