I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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