You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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