i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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