I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
