on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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