The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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