i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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