I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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